Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
