Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
