love makes seman taste better
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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