I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
