know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
