Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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