I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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