oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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