my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
