I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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