ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
