I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
