explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
