I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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