What a fucking waste of an outfit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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