I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
