I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
