Moan for me like Helen Keller
you would pick up someone in the library
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize