We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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