Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
