I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My life is pants optional.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
