glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I need a burrito and a hug.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize