I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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