My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
