my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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