thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
