You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
3pm strippers are depressing
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
