I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
