yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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