I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
