Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
