Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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