She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
