everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
