the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
