I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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