Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This show inspires me to have sex in space
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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