He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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