Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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