If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize