Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
