What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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