she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
