So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
