I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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