The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
