I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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