I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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