Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
