You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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