A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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