I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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