She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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