Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I look better un-naked...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
