First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
