did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
