Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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