Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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