i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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