that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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