shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
