I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
