Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
