you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
sarcasm needs its own font
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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